Breaking My Silence – It’s beyond time! (2023)

I’ve never had writer’s block in my life – until the last several months. So, what does a writer do when they can’t find words? This writer hunkers down, tries to live life, and waits until the words return.

You may think I’m referring to writing The Bregdan Chronicles. I’m not. My “writer’s block” has been in regard to this BLOG. I had no idea how to communicate what has been going on in my life – even with my beloved Bregdan Family – so I have hunkered down and lived life.

It’s time, though. Time to write this BLOG as I pray for words to communicate. As I write, I will also tell you when book #18 (Journey to Joy) will come out.

2020 has been a year none of us will ever forget. I know I never will. For so many reasons…

If you’re new to my BLOG, my honesty may come as a surprise. If you’ve been around a while, you’ll know I’m committed to vulnerability and transparency with all of you who mean so much to me. That reality is what has kept me from writing this for such a long time. I wasn’t ready to talk about what was going on, and quite frankly, I didn’t want to.

Before I go further, I’m aware there are millions of Americans dealing with the same issues I’ve dealt with in the last 11 months. I’m really writing this for you – praying I can bring comfort as I share your experience, and deliver hope that life gets better.

For those of you not touched by the realities of 2020, I pray my words will give you an understanding and a boatload of compassion for those who are dealing with challenges.

2020 began with so much energy and excitement. The endless stress and hard work of remodeling Bregdan (my log home in WA), that so many of you shared with me through my BLOG, was mostly over. I was looking forward to a winter of writing and relaxation.

I wrote Renewed By Dawn, but even while I was writing, I could feel the pressures building. I pushed them aside and focused on finishing the book and I believed life would settle down enough to allow me to finish #18 (Journey To Joy) by the end of summer.

Obviously, that didn’t happen.

First, the Amazon book market has changed drastically from when I first began publishing 6 years ago. Millions more books have made it far more competitive, which means that my sales decreased and my finances tightened.

Since I am also my own publisher, I create and pay for all my marketing. The cost of marketing increased dramatically, at a time when I was already feeling the financial pressure of remodeling Bregdan.

Then Covid hit…

Purchasing books became a lower priority for people who had lost their jobs, were trying to hold on to their homes, pay their bills and feed their families. I totally understand!

Just as they were struggling, my challenges increased as well.

I fought to hold on to my home. In April I finally found a company that would refinance it and I drew my first deep breath in several months. Until… three days before I was to get the funding, the stock market tanked from Covid concerns. The company that was going to refinance was forced to close their doors.

I was forced to face the truth.

The next week I spoke with a realtor and we began the process of truly finalizing Bregdan so we could sell it. All thoughts of writing a book fled my mind as we poured ourselves into 3 ½ months of intensive work. I spent weeks landscaping, took a month to chink the interior logs, and then spent a month on top of a 35-foot boom lift as we cleaned, power washed and then stained our large log home.

It was beyond heart wrenching to see Bregdan becoming everything I had ever dreamed – only to fight daily to release the pain of knowing I had to give it up.

Yes, I know there are millions of Americans grieving the same things.

Bregdan went on the market in July. It sold at the end of August – for just enough to pay off all the debts associated with purchasing and remodeling it. I’m grateful there was enough.

I will never forget the last night I spent there, or the last time I pulled out of the driveway. Tears were pouring down my face. The last months have been a time of grieving and letting go.

The hardest thing to leave? The Bregdan Wall. Readers from all over the world sent me rocks that I blended with rocks we had mined, collected from our property, and from the Washington beaches. I created a 4-foot-tall, 24-foot-long wall inside our home that was the envy of everyone who walked in. I would tell them the story of readers from all 50 states and 7 countries who mailed me rocks to make it possible.

I ran my hand along it lovingly as I walked out the door for the last time. Leaving it has left a hole that will never quite fill.

What am I doing now?

What so many Americans are doing. I’m starting over. I have struggled with health issues for the last 2 months, but I’m doing much better. I’m happy to say I have NOT had to fight Covid. I’ve had so many of you, not used to such a long silence, write to ask if I’m okay. I am. I am more than okay!

I take wearing masks seriously. I take social distancing seriously. I take regular hand washing seriously. For me, but also the people I care about – and all the ones I will never know, who could be infected by me if I’m careless.

I’ve moved into a small home I can afford. I’m working on creating a space where I can write. In the meantime, my computer set up on a table in the den is allowing me to write this BLOG.

I can make a solid promise that you will have Journey to Joy (#18) in the spring of 2021. As I am more confident of an exact release date, I will let you know.

How am I?

GRATEFUL.

Grateful I had the opportunity to own Bregdan for the time I had. Certainly, I wish I could have had it for the “Forever Home” I dreamed of, and there will always be a part of me that misses it, but I choose to be grateful for the time it was home.

Grateful that I was able to wipe out debt.

Grateful that, so far, no one I’m close to has died of Covid.

Grateful that I have a book waiting to be written and readers all over the world who are eager for me to release it.

Grateful that many more books are coming to shape in my mind.

Grateful for good health.

Grateful for new beginnings.

If you are one of the millions of Americans who have been forced into a “new beginning”, please know I feel your pain.

I assure you it’s alright to feel your pain. It’s alright to grieve. It’s alright to rampage against God or the Universe because of all you’ve lost or had to deal with. I can assure you I have done all of this!

You are human. The pain is real. Your feelings are honest. Trying to pretend they don’t exist, or that they aren’t important, will do nothing but make sure they exist for a longer time.

Equally importantly, I want to share HOPE with you. If you’ve lost someone you love to Covid… If you’re struggling with health issues from your own battle with Covid, or another illness… If you’ve lost your home… If you’ve lost your business… If you’re struggling with loneliness because of Covid isolation… If you’re wondering if your kids will ever go back to school…

If you’re wondering if life will ever return to the normal you knew before…

Every loss is an opportunity for a new beginning.

Every challenge is an opportunity for growth and strength.

2020 has created endless opportunities for each of us to give and love in ways most of us have never experienced.

I have good days and bad days.

On the good days, I’m eager to see what the future holds. I’m excited for what lies ahead. I’m full of gratitude.

On the bad days, I’m mired in my grief and feelings of loss. I’m scared of what could be waiting for me. I cry buckets of tears and yearn for what I’ve lost.

Both kinds of days are acceptable. They are to be expected. I live through each day, end each one with the knowledge a new day is coming, and then I try to live my best life the next day.

I invite you to join me in this Journey of Life.

When I titled book #18, Journey to Joy, I had no clue the intensity of what my own Journey to Joy would be. Quite honestly, I’m still on that Journey to Joy.

I completely believe, however, that by the time I write the last page of Journey to Joy, I will have learned massively invaluable lessons … lessons for which I will be forever grateful.

There’s a song by Martina McBride that has helped me get through many days – singing, with tears streaming down my face. I hope it will encourage you as much as it has me…

Anyway

Martina McBride

You can spend your whole life building
Something from nothin’
One storm can come and blow it all away
Build it anyway

You can chase a dream
That seems so out of reach
And you know it might not never come your way
Dream it anyway

God is great
But sometimes life ain’t good
And when I pray
It doesn’t always turn out like I think it should
But I do it anyway
I do it anyway

This world’s gone crazy
It’s hard to believe
That tomorrow will be better than today
Believe it anyway

You can love someone with all your heart
For all the right reasons
In a moment they can choose to walk away
Love ’em anyway

God is great
But sometimes life ain’t good
And when I pray
It doesn’t always turn out like I think it should
But I do it anyway
I do it anyway

You can pour your soul out singing
A song you believe in
That tomorrow they’ll forget you ever sang
Sing it anyway
Yeah, sing it anyway

I sing
I dream
I love
Anyway

If you want to join me in singing, go to https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6uLtyzRgmyI

*********

Write a Review for On To Richmond

Write a Review for Spring Will Come

Write a Review for Dark Chaos

Write a Review for The Last, Long Night

Write a Review for Shifted By The Winds

Write a Review for Always Forward

Write a Review for Walking Into The Unknown

Write a Review for Looking To The Future

Write a Review for Horizons Unfolding

Write a Review for The Twisted Road of One Writer

Write a Review for Misty Shadows of Hope

Write a Review for Shining Through Dark Clouds

Write a Review for Courage Rising

Write a Review for Renewed By Dawn